invisible??

the biggest fear of my life.....well, one of the biggest fear of my life is to be invisible.
what do i mean?
today, i went to yoga after work... i went to the counter. For some odd reason, the guy at the counter could not find my name in their file... so, the guy asks me for my name and information and asked me to come back after the class. OK. i said.
after the class, i saw a big sign on the door that read, "sooj, please come to the front desk" so, i got dressed and went back to the counter.

same guy: what is your name?
me: SooJ
same guy: can i help you?
me: you asked me to come back?
same guy: you are.....
me: SOOJ!
same guy: uh,...okay. uh.... what can i help you with??

at last, the guy next to him interrupted and pointed to the door with my "name". finally, the guy asked me to rewrite my information.

for some odd reason, i couldn't pass the thought in my head that not only is this guy seriously stupid but he really couldn't recognize me. like.....Zip.
am i that plain looking????

i don't even think my name is that plain.
it really made me think.
'i really do not appreciate being nobody' was my thought of the day.

put it together

today i forced myself to stay focused. i went to yoga in the morning and to draw later. sometimes, i do think that life really hits you with curved ball.

i didn't expect things to turn the way it did but i will not lose faith in my life.

i believe my life will be great. i do.

took pictures of fireplace. i liked the idea of shape in fire.

it always does

happy moment = took picture in my studio while the sun was hitting one of the yarn thread on my desk. it looked so magical. all the little thread pieces were glowing in front of my eyes...

after work, i got a small box and started to put the last pieces of what's left at my desk. i won't be sitting there anymore after today. i sat down in front of my computer and just absorbed the moment for a while. it was quite sad empty feeling. i walked out and to the subway, to the bus station, and to the bus, to my house...just like every other day...feeling totally empty and sad. really sad and didn't see what the reason was behind all the trouble all the laughter and all everything. after dinner, feeling totally the same, i came into my studio and started coloring the yarn on my desk. just coloring, coloring, and coloring, and hoping for some great accident of art to happen... and thought to myself..

'maybe the way i feel leads me to do art. like i have no choice. would i be doing art if i was happy? would i be doing art if i wasn't feeling so sad and lonely?'

i wasn't sure if i couldn't answer or if i didn't want to answer.

either way, i left myself dumbfounded.

8th piece

i know i am not even close to finishing my 7th piece, but my head seems to be more in my 8th piece. i hope i have strength to finish tho. seems to be such monster project for me especially with this new job i am taking on.
speaking of new job, i really need to get better because with this energy source, i am going to need at least 3 powerbars a day.
today, i ran into an old friend of mine. well, at first, i avoided him. and i met him again an hour again. what the.....
is it coincidence? or was it just my destiny to have him cross my life today? was it necessary? it was so weird. for some reason, i felt like there was a reason for it. sounds crazy but i do believe in instinct. and i believe this is one. i do like to see where this leads me in this game of life.

the truth is...

maybe the source of my problem is not anyone or anything but from deep within me.
so the truth is...what is my issue with myself.
maybe it's completely natural too feel bad about me. to hate me, to love me, to pity me, to encourage me... and maybe it's time to realize that there's only one that truly matters in the end. me. i would like to start accepting myself. i want to embrace me.

life drawing

today i went to spring studio after work. this place used to be my favorite place. now, it's different and yes, sometimes, still gives me a heartache. i try not to think about it because i don't want my personal life getting in my way of continuing what i truly love.... i am going to overcome it and i am going to get myself back into drawing once again.

took a old sketch pad home and took some pictures of my colored life drawing... i hope to make tons of it more.

at last...yet, undone.

i haven't been blogging in a while...

the new year started pretty rough.. my health had gotten seriously weak.

i took a trip to the herbal doctor...

"please give me the yucky brown stuff. i want to get well.."

that's pretty much what happened.

so, yes... i am drinking the yucky herbal medicine.

my resolution for the new year..... get well physically, get well mentally, and get well financially, get well.

okay, here is my preview of 6th piece.

not completely finished since it has no birds yet.. but the background is finished....

i hope it brings magic!

let the best year begin!!!!!